My little monster, my loyal partner (CW: mental illness, depression)

10/20/2018



Today, I decided to write in English. It's probably going to be filled with grammatical mistakes and other non senses, but I honestly don't really care. Today, it's about the substance and not the form.

At some point last week, I realized it's been 10 months my mental health completely control me. When I said it loud, I broke into tears. 10 months. Almost a year that my brain is in constant pain. My illness is vicious enough to give me tiny breaks, when hope grows again from its ashes. And I breath again. And I look around me, again. The colors come back, as my self confidence. And suddenly, everything goes back to dark, again and again. I'm trapped in this constant circle.

It feels like hell.

I grew up with a ill brain. It's always been here. All my memories have this sour aftertaste. I can't count the number of times I wanted it to end at all costs. I've been so used with it. It's my little monster, my loyal partner.

But this year has been different. My monster became more vicious, I could feel all the ways it wanted me to fail, to loose my mind. I remember perfectly the night il all changed. I woke up in the middle of the dark, in the comfort of my quiet little bedroom, and I realized what death was. I panicked like I never panicked before. It took me 27years to realize I was not invincible. I was actually SO fragile. It couldn't get out of my mind. It became obsessional. Death was now all around me. The void. The end. This night, I met the deepest fear of my life. I couldn't stop questioning absolutely everything. I suddenly realized with my heart what my brain already processed: capitalism was a demon and nothing was fair. Everything was now completely nugatory, like a trick to keep our minds occupied until our last breath.

I keep falling since that night.

My heart decided that I needed to be protected from this vision. So it convinced me that nothing was real. That I would wake up from this complete nightmare. I would wake up in a world where our lives don't turn around superficiality and productivity. I would finally see a place where people value kindness and justice. I was so convinced that I was living in a dream. A bad dream. I slowly stopped caring about everything, cause everything was false. Me, who used to care so much, I gave up. For real this time. Hope disappeared, and I was so alone in this reality. Nobody could understand. They were just a part of this bad dream. I wanted so bad to wake up. Everything was blurry, so blurry that sometimes I can't see the difference between the present, the past and my imagination. It's all on the same plan and it's terribly scary. So many times I thought I just had to cut my veins to wake up, cause I was convinced that death, as much as life, was just false. A bad dream. I was so disconnected from everything. I couldn't recognize myself. I wasn't seeing my qualities anymore. They were all gone, in the immensity of this fucking nightmare. I remember looking at some clouds and smiling, cause I thought it was Heaven doors waiting for me. I was so convinced that this new reality was the truth.

It's terribly hard for me to sincerely open my heart in front of people. So I didn't talk about any of that to my doctors. I needed to seem strong, as always. I couldn't talk about how my reality was completely shattered. It was too deep, too far, they couldn't get it anyways.

Sometimes, I see light again. I reconnect with your reality. I forget mine for a bit. There is times I enjoy it and I play its game, and some others when it makes everything worse. Like if I was trapped forever in the worst possibility ever.

I used to care so much about others, but these past 10 months destroyed me so deeply that I don't have any energy for anything else than me.

I feel so alone. Everything is dark and repetitive. I feel the same pain over and over. I hear that I just have to push through, I have to break the circle, but I know that I can't. This is beyond me. I'm not strong anymore. It's all gone.

I secretly wish that someone who cares enough about me would appear and save me. But nobody appears. And I still so alone. There is no savior, cause it's my nightmare.

I am missing so many work opportunities, I am missing so much. I miss the light coming from my heart. It used to be so bright. But my little monster turned it off. I am just a shadow now. A shadow in the dark.

In March, my life is supposed to change completely. But I can't. I can't. I am not the one I used to be anymore. I miss myself so much. I miss the way I was seeing this reality. It was so beautiful. I don't have any desires anymore. I don't even care about surviving. Surviving for what? 

The next steps of my life are too hard. They are unreachable. How am I supposed to fight for a new life without weapons? There is so much pain, everywhere inside me. And I am so alone in this battle.

The only thing I can do is draw. So I spend my days and my nights sketching, trying to connect my reality and yours, maybe to find an exit from this scary labyrinth. I look around me and I'm not good enough for any of what I see.

I want to scream. Scream so loud that someone will look at me and tell me the solution. But I am silent. Completely silent.

I am so scared of what comes next.

To be clear, this is NOT a suicide letter. I just wanted lay on paper some of my thoughts, and maybe ring a bell for some lost souls, for the ones who feel as alone as me. Maybe they'll see that they are not alone in the dark. And maybe I'll also finally see that.

Please, don't reach out to me if we don't know each other and if you just want to cheer me up. This text is extremely intimate and it embarrass me so much to know that strangers have access to my heart. I published it just for my close people, and specially for the lost souls, like me. 
If my words look like something you could have wrote, you can contact me at hello@lavieeibel.com and we can maybe chat. I'm pretty bad at answering lately but who knows. I don't plan on being your therapist. As I said, I don't have energy for that anymore, but we can maybe connect.

To see my series of illustrations about Depression, you can click here



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Merci pour ce petit mot !

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